I gave you two examples of things that could replace the vague sentence without inflating the wordcount. Replace. Don't add.
By making sentences work, I don't mean like JK Rowling or anyone. It's not about style. If I thought you should write like her, I would have said. (I firmly believe everyone should write like him or herself.) By making sentence work, I meant they need to add to the story/summary. They need to do multiple jobs -- show the tension, character, conflict -- all at the same time. If a sentence doesn't do multiple jobs, then it's not pulling its weight.
It's more than possible to write a short query with specific details and give a full accounting of the characters, conflicts, and stakes. That is what I (and others) am asking you to do. I've posted over a hundred queries on my blog over the last year. Take a look at them and see which ones work, which ones don't, and the reasons why. Query Shark does the same thing. I think Public Query Pile has a good reputation, too. Study the queries and figure out what they are doing right, and how you can do the same thing in your queries.
I know you're frustrated, but please keep in mind people are trying to help you. No one is trying to be unclear.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-01-01 09:05 pm (UTC)By making sentences work, I don't mean like JK Rowling or anyone. It's not about style. If I thought you should write like her, I would have said. (I firmly believe everyone should write like him or herself.) By making sentence work, I meant they need to add to the story/summary. They need to do multiple jobs -- show the tension, character, conflict -- all at the same time. If a sentence doesn't do multiple jobs, then it's not pulling its weight.
It's more than possible to write a short query with specific details and give a full accounting of the characters, conflicts, and stakes. That is what I (and others) am asking you to do. I've posted over a hundred queries on my blog over the last year. Take a look at them and see which ones work, which ones don't, and the reasons why. Query Shark does the same thing. I think Public Query Pile has a good reputation, too. Study the queries and figure out what they are doing right, and how you can do the same thing in your queries.
I know you're frustrated, but please keep in mind people are trying to help you. No one is trying to be unclear.