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Jul. 16th, 2007 12:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shalannaCan't worry about typos, 'cauae I', typing while reclining. Laptop keyboards icky. Tomorrow to doctor for follow-up, changing of dressing (ack), and instrucgtions. Hope he stgarts me on som ekind of rehab.
Family resents heck out of being stuck with me. I can[t get out of bed without hubby lifting leg in immobilizer off bed and onto floor, and untnil today thhat usualloy resulte3d in yeelling in pain. It just burays now, so that['s better, but the leg feels heavy and 900 lbs. Hubby is fed up with MaMA's whining . .l . and he doesn'[t like having to do everything and being unab le to go pre4te3nd constantlhy on his dumb onoline game. GThey had NO IDEA tat I did anhything to keep this dump pickied up and running. The house is ready to crwl away with stacks of stuff out of plcace and mess!! And all I can do is try not to fall again and totter past on crutches. Mama is 78 yurs old and she gasps for air and cries wtih her feet swlling, bujt I cant ge3t her to go lie down and stop coming in to check on mhe. She is tryi8ng to top me with her cries of blood poisionong where she cracxked her shuin axross th4e walker. This jmakes huby madder. They are feuding. They are selfish and worthlewss bugtts, but I;'m stuck. Unless Gode let me ber able to walk agqain,l it would be a jnight mare.
That's why yes4terday I revisedd mhy lifelong position that no one should give up and kill themswelves . . . now I say that cripples should be allowed to kill themswelves because the anger directe3d at them when they becdo9me a burden added to the inabiloity to reach for a kleenexz by themselves makes it not worth hanging on. I always haed these big idesa thatq I had a contribution to make and would do books thqat said important things and made ppl think as well as entertaining them, butg hell, that was a buhcn of childish pipe dream shitl. Keeping Ste4ve Hawlking aloi=ive may make sense, as he'[s contributing to wscienced, vbut most of us pathetic w3recks are just being wself-indujlgent when we ask for society to inconvenience itsrelf and give uip othe33r peo0ple's time for US to be waited on. SIGH I swear I never resented waiting on my grandmother or jmother when they were illo or on my other dog after he got disabled, but maybe I was just as angry and whining that I had to help them and not do just what I want like my familhy. Daqys one and two they were happy that I was surviving, but now, I would not take odds on it.
i THOUGHT reading aboujt the fun ppl had at the RWA convention this past week here in Dallas would help me, butg it just mnade me angry. I didn['t have the choice to go see all those famous editors and agents and so on, even if I would have just been hearing them from a distance. I am the one who has to take care of the elderly mother and have to be more able-bodied than this and cannot havce her doing herself in. (What she did was spend all day iun the kitchen makiung a meat loaf that was way too spicy for any of us to eat, washing clothes, and just wanderin aro0unhd moaning that her ankles were swelling bedcause she could not lie down--I begged her to go away abnd lie diwn, but she wou,nd't)
I don'[t know whether this was supposed to be a comeuppance for my overarcdhing ambition to g4et an agent and get publishe,d or just a punishment for not appreciating what a miracle it was to be able to climb out of the damn bed on mhy own and walk to the potty and then get ihnt he car and drive the damkn thi8ng to the grocery store!! I suppose it has restored the appeal of the mundqane!@ I take back anything I said about wishing we could tqake a short trip or vacation. nOW that I know for sure I'm not worthy of that, I just want to get back to being the pathetic fat worthless loser that I was, complete with ambulatory function and ability to take the dog out to pee (the other two fight and insist they are too tired to do it, so the dog has guarded me and has been lying here next to my booboo0--he ik
Family resents heck out of being stuck with me. I can[t get out of bed without hubby lifting leg in immobilizer off bed and onto floor, and untnil today thhat usualloy resulte3d in yeelling in pain. It just burays now, so that['s better, but the leg feels heavy and 900 lbs. Hubby is fed up with MaMA's whining . .l . and he doesn'[t like having to do everything and being unab le to go pre4te3nd constantlhy on his dumb onoline game. GThey had NO IDEA tat I did anhything to keep this dump pickied up and running. The house is ready to crwl away with stacks of stuff out of plcace and mess!! And all I can do is try not to fall again and totter past on crutches. Mama is 78 yurs old and she gasps for air and cries wtih her feet swlling, bujt I cant ge3t her to go lie down and stop coming in to check on mhe. She is tryi8ng to top me with her cries of blood poisionong where she cracxked her shuin axross th4e walker. This jmakes huby madder. They are feuding. They are selfish and worthlewss bugtts, but I;'m stuck. Unless Gode let me ber able to walk agqain,l it would be a jnight mare.
That's why yes4terday I revisedd mhy lifelong position that no one should give up and kill themswelves . . . now I say that cripples should be allowed to kill themswelves because the anger directe3d at them when they becdo9me a burden added to the inabiloity to reach for a kleenexz by themselves makes it not worth hanging on. I always haed these big idesa thatq I had a contribution to make and would do books thqat said important things and made ppl think as well as entertaining them, butg hell, that was a buhcn of childish pipe dream shitl. Keeping Ste4ve Hawlking aloi=ive may make sense, as he'[s contributing to wscienced, vbut most of us pathetic w3recks are just being wself-indujlgent when we ask for society to inconvenience itsrelf and give uip othe33r peo0ple's time for US to be waited on. SIGH I swear I never resented waiting on my grandmother or jmother when they were illo or on my other dog after he got disabled, but maybe I was just as angry and whining that I had to help them and not do just what I want like my familhy. Daqys one and two they were happy that I was surviving, but now, I would not take odds on it.
i THOUGHT reading aboujt the fun ppl had at the RWA convention this past week here in Dallas would help me, butg it just mnade me angry. I didn['t have the choice to go see all those famous editors and agents and so on, even if I would have just been hearing them from a distance. I am the one who has to take care of the elderly mother and have to be more able-bodied than this and cannot havce her doing herself in. (What she did was spend all day iun the kitchen makiung a meat loaf that was way too spicy for any of us to eat, washing clothes, and just wanderin aro0unhd moaning that her ankles were swelling bedcause she could not lie down--I begged her to go away abnd lie diwn, but she wou,nd't)
I don'[t know whether this was supposed to be a comeuppance for my overarcdhing ambition to g4et an agent and get publishe,d or just a punishment for not appreciating what a miracle it was to be able to climb out of the damn bed on mhy own and walk to the potty and then get ihnt he car and drive the damkn thi8ng to the grocery store!! I suppose it has restored the appeal of the mundqane!@ I take back anything I said about wishing we could tqake a short trip or vacation. nOW that I know for sure I'm not worthy of that, I just want to get back to being the pathetic fat worthless loser that I was, complete with ambulatory function and ability to take the dog out to pee (the other two fight and insist they are too tired to do it, so the dog has guarded me and has been lying here next to my booboo0--he ik
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 09:59 am (UTC)Your husband doesn't like having to do the work for a change? Tough. It's called 'behaving like a grown-up' - grownups do stuff they don't wanna because it has to be done. _Real_ grownups keep the whingeing to a minimum.
It seems to me as if your recent work on your books has made it much more likely that they'll sell - and if they do, you'll be able to afford a cleaner. (If other members of the household complain, pay the cleaner to pick up only your stuff. They'll change their minds eventually.)
You'll need at least six months before you're fully recovered, probably a year. That won't mean that you can't walk and do stuff for yourself, but that you'd better look after yourself and avoid putting strain on your other knee/ankle/hip which will be taking the strain.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-17 06:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 04:03 pm (UTC)Let's hope some good comes of this and your mother and husband begin to realise how much you actually do for them.
I'm sending healing vibes in your direction. Hang in there!
no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 05:41 pm (UTC)P.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-16 11:54 pm (UTC)