Just another happy face in the crowd

[shalanna]

Well, I did it. I finally got through tweaking the Pundit novel and uploaded the files to the Amazon novel contest. Have y'all entered? I slid in just under the deadline for my entry around 11:25 last night. I had to re-do the blurbs and the bio a few times to get the registration page to accept them.

We'll see what happens. You can't really count on much. There could be a happy surprise if a good writer floats to the top and actually gets discovered in this.
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Last night at 3 AM when I got up to go potty, I kicked this stupid metal box fan that my mother keeps dragging into the middle of the bathroom floor, and broke the little toe on my left foot. Note that this WAS my "good" foot. The toe just got more and more sore and more and more bruised. Now I can't tolerate a shoe, and it still hurts, despite the arnica.

So I gave up a plan. I finally just e-mailed the program director at that radio station where I was supposed to get to be DJ for a Day (because of my high-dollar donation to MDA, which was a gift and not a "buy" thing anyhow) and told him how sorry I was that I'd had to reschedule already once, and that I wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow. Hubby kept refusing to drive me, and of course Mama won't, and there just isn't anyone else. They both kept saying I couldn't get around well enough to go off by myself, and that I would bomb.

"Your husband won't take you because he doesn't want to be embarrassed," she shouted the other day. "You'll bomb, and we'll be humiliated. Why are you such an exhibitionist? Who wants to be on the damn radio anyway?" I don't know where her issues with this come from, but I don't consider a two-hour guest shot the grounds for condemnation as some kind of attention-seeker. I also think I could do a decent job. How could I be worse than *say* the idiots that you hear on talk radio all the time, such as *ahem* those guys who are always laughing at things they do to each other in the studio and don't bother to try to make sense to the listeners?

"Why do you always do this?" they both said this morning. "You always try to get attention, and you shouldn't. Just call and tell them you can't do it, to get someone else." I tried in vain to explain to them that the station couldn't just "get someone else" because they had an obligation to me, but this just made them furious. I did suggest that we try to recruit one of my cousins or a friend to go in my place, but they both said, "You're talking about STUPID people. Your cousins don't do public speaking. They'd never want to do it. Who would want to do that?"

I asked them whether the TV personalities on local news and the radio people in DFW were all narcissists with a need for attention and a problem with exhibitionism. "Don't be ridiculous--that's how they make their living," Mama said. I had to roll my eyes, as her double standard was showing. I still don't think it was showoffy of me to want to do a short DJ stint. I thought it would be fun, and I still do.

But I haven't heard back from their program director, and if I don't, I can't blame him. What kinda weirdo says she can't drive herself and that she's not gonna come just because everybody incapacitates her by putting her down? Last week I had to cancel because my mother's cousin died and I took care of some family responsibilities on the day we'd arranged for the shot. Last week I could drive using my left foot on the brake. Tomorrow, I'm not sure I can, because of the broken toe and the extensive bruising. So I gave up the dream of being on the radio.

It wasn't really what it had been advertised to be, anyway. Still, it would've been fun.

When is it okay to believe that you are (or would be) good at something? How is such a thing measured? If I think I am a good pianist by my own standards of playing for myself, how much credence should we give that? If a Special Olympian is running his fastest and is happy, laughing as he struggles across the goal line, should we say that he is a good runner? Shall we say that he is good at something (even if we decline to define it), or shall we compare him to the fleetest of foot like Jackie Joyner-Kersey and say that the Special Olympian is thus a crappy runner? It's tough to want to believe that you're good at something.

I keep forgetting that I'm not worthy. What is it going to take to show me once and for all and beat me down? If my mother beating that into me for the past (*bleep*) years hasn't worked, and all the putdowns from every other direction ain't working, then I guess I'm just too hardheaded to listen. . . .

Comments

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

Y'know, the sabotage you have to put up with in your own home makes me furious. Who cares whether you're a crappy DJ or not? You've got every right in the world to go out and have fun; and you've got every right to be supported by the people *you* support.

And there isn't a person in the world who doesn't have the right not to be endangered by thoughtless people in their own home when they're already injured. I know it's difficult to renegotiate with people you've had close relationships with for years, but I think it's time you stood up for yourself. Nobody deserves to be told that they are an embarassment to their family, that they are useless, that they don't deserve a chance to go out and enjoy themselves.

And if your husband tries to keep you in the house, you need to get a taxi and damn the cost.

[burningofroissy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, your mom needs to get a grip if you're how old? and she still thinks it's her business to tell you what to do. And your husband should be supporting you. Even if he totally doesn't agree with what you're doing, it's not hurting *him* for you to be on the radio, and he shouldn't be standing in your way.

It's not you. They're the ones with the problem. I second green_knight's suggestion. Stand up to them and tell them to step off.

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

I'm with Captain Picard and the Spitting Cobra on this. Cripes. How much would a cab cost?

Also, I hope your toe gets better soon. Just be a little aware when you move around that you're not stressing your sore leg worse.

[klingonguy.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I'd equate being on the radio with public speaking, because you don't have an audience looking back at you, but for the sake of argument let's pretend they're close enough as not to matter.

Writers benefit from this kind of experience. Even if you never do public readings, having the practice enhances your ability to write dialogue. Dialogue is a vastly different beast than the rest of your prose, and you only develop a good "ear" for by hearing your own words outloud. The added benefitsof speaking public can come in very handy as well.

I'd always had a fantasy of being on the radio and have a show. Back in graduate school, I pursued that dream, and though I knew nothing about jazz music, I ended up with my own Jazz show every week for a year. Glorious.

Now that I'm writer-guy, I do a lot of conventions (don't take my word for it, check out the schedule at my website). Speaking well on panels, being able to entertain a room for of strangers, showing these same people that you can be witty and smart, can go a long way to luring them in to reading your fiction and becoming hooked on your written words.

I have an advantage in that I spent ten years as a college professor. Public speaking for a few hours one weekend a month is easy when you're used to standing at the front of classroom and lecturing five days a week all year long. But have you considered joining a group like Toastmasters? They might give you just what you need, practice and proof that you are someone people want to listen to.

Toes and pains in other body areas

[dennismhavens.livejournal.com]

First -- Being a klutz of long standing, I have broken toes over the years and I know all too well what inconveniences they are . . . painful ones, too. You have my sympathy for having _that_ added to your catalog of troubles.

Second -- I have _your_ recording of Debussy's "Reverie" on my MP3 player, when I could just have easily put one of the best-known pianists' versions in its place, so it obviously is a performance that touches me more than theirs. Meaning no disrespect to the differently abled, there's certainly no need to place your comment about your playing in a paragraph using the Special Olympics to make a particular point. I'd buy a "Shalanna Plays French Impressionist Masters" CD, if one ever appeared.

Third -- I _applaud_ your determination, especially in the face of that dysfunctional version of a united front that your husband and your mother constantly try to place between you and any form of success. Reread a couple of quotes from your entry: "Your husband won't take you because he doesn't want to be embarrassed."

WHAT???? Has he turned into Sean Connery since the last picture of him that I've seen was taken?

And then: "You'll bomb, and we'll be humiliated." Never read Wayne Dyer's YOUR ERRONEOUS ZONES, did she? Has trouble with the big concepts, like the revolutionary idea that as long as we're not hurting anyone, we're entitled to try out our wings, see if we can fly, go where our curiosity takes us and if we turn out to be creative, let us create? _They'll_ be humiliated? In whose eyes? Each other's?

On the good side, congratulations on getting the entry in on time. I have deliberately not registered yet, knowing that once I do there's only 7 days to get it all submitted. Finishing the book must come first, and if all that salty language and s-e-x gets it tossed out of the contest, well, there are other publishers.

You ARE worthy. Never forget that.

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

Your family are so hurtful. Surely the people at the radio station would make sure that you do OK? The day at the radio station was a prize for making a donation, they're not going to let you come over as a laughing stock. (Or no one would donate next time they did an appeal!) Why can't your mom and husband see that? It's not like you're entering one of those talent contests where those without talent get torn to shreds on air.

Congrats on getting the book into the contest though.

[afraclose.livejournal.com]

That's pretty harsh. What's wrong with wanting to try something new? You'll never know if you're good at anything at all unless you try it first. To put you down and automatically assume that you'll bomb and humiliate yourself and all around you is...well...very, very wrong.

I'm sorry you have to deal with such manipulation from people so close to you. Try not to let their skewed opinions shape your own self worth, kay? *huggles*

Good luck with the contest! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!