Top Ten Comebacks. . . .

[shalanna]

For those who'll be dealing with extended family and acquaintances plus their clueless dates *grin* over this holiday weekend. My friend is going to have her own bash today, going to her in-laws' tomorrow, and to two OTHER extended-family gatherings on Sunday. Whew!

The combination of food and older relatives who feel somehow invested in your size (be it a size 4 or a size 24) while you're just trying to keep those gravy stains off the tablecloth can be a problem. Here are Marilyn Wann's (slightly edited) top ten of responses in case someone dares to prod you about your weight on such a holiday, from her book _Fat! So?_:

1. Oooh, do you really think you need another biscuit? "I don't need it. I WANT it."
2. Do you know how many calories that has? "Yes, and I'm looking forward to every one of them."
3. I'm having a fat day. "Me, too! Isn't it awesome?"
4. You have such a pretty face. "You should see my pretty a$&#^$!"
5. You're too fat! "For what?"
6. You look like you've lost weight. "I've actually gained 150 pounds, but I wear it really well."
7. You've gained weight since (whenever)? "Yes! Jealous?"
8. When are you going to lose some weight? "Why do you need to know?"
9. Response to someone talking about you behind your back: "I'm sorry, you might want to keep it down. I wouldn't want anyone else to hear what a gossip you are!"
10. And our all-purpose response for every rude question ever: "I beg your pardon?" (If they are dense and repeat the question, repeat yours. If they simply say it louder, ignore them, for they will die clueless and unhappy.)

I've added:

"Shouldn't you watch what you eat?"
"Yes, I have to keep my eye on the food so it doesn't get away!" OR "Yes, I once stabbed somebody's hand as he reached over to steal my French fries, so I'm more careful to watch now."

"Don't you worry about eating so much?"
"Yes, I really have to work to keep up my figure!"

But my favorite responses to any rude comment/question are. . . .

"How kind of you to notice."

As in:

Have you gained weight?
"How kind of you to notice!" *big smile* "I've been working on it for a while."

I hear you got fired again.
"How kind of you to notice!" *smile* "It takes a lot of work to get in trouble so often."

"You're ugly and you have no friends. Furthermore, you don't really need that second helping, do you?"

*and the winner is*

"Thank you so much for having the courage to REVEAL SO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF with that comment."

repeat:
"Thank you so much for having the courage to REVEAL SO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF with that comment."

Because what comes out of their mouths reveals so much about them, and is not really about you, now, is it? I try to remember this, but I fail miserably. I'll try harder. (No, Yoda you horse's patootie, there IS "TRY" and "FAIL DESPITE TRYING." Deal with reality as she is.)

And now the truth:
"You look fabulous."
"You look mah-velous."
"Move out of the way--you're blocking the TV and I'm trying to see ALL THE ANDY HARDY FILMS in a row!"

Comments

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

My sis, who got the family extra helping of slow-metabolism-in-thirties, has comebacks that aren't printable. The picky relatives are too scared of her to pick on her any more.

Everyone was watching Andy Hardy this morning. lol!

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

It's easy to see why so many fabulous women fell in love with and married Mickey Rooney. (GRIN) The last A. H. flick just went off (it was a bit over-the-top and not as good as the others--my favorites are the ones with Judy Garland), and now they have some odd-looking person who won the Guest Programmer slot. I didn't know they were having a contest! If I'd known, it would be me up there, programming some GOOD stuff, not that crazy circus movie where they waste Jimmy Stewart as a clown! *snicker* O'course all the rest are lying on the sofas watching it in a turkey coma/haze.

My programming would be more like
It's a Wonderful Life
The Mortal Storm (which is also great viewed after "Diary of Anne Frank")
Bell, Book, and Candle
Some Like it Hot
A Christmas Story

The other Turner channel didn't run 24 Hours of "A Christmas Story" this year. Maybe they'll do that on Christmas Eve.

Or, if I wanted to program stuff that no one has seen, but that everyone should see once, I might do

Slums of Beverly Hills
Freeway
Welcome to the Dollhouse
Lost Angel (with Margaret O'Brien)
Black Orpheus

But they'd probably tell me they couldn't get the rights, and that I should stick with "Harvey." Pookas rock.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

lol!

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

Great post. Another one I like is one I stole from some British movie or another:

"What a peculiar thing to say."

Someday I will use it!

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

That's GOOD--delivered completely deadpan, and pushing the pince-nez up on the nose as you shake your head over the weirdness. *GRIN*

[fastfwd.livejournal.com]

::stands up, salutes and applauds you::

Many, many years ago, when I was pregnant, a lithe young co-worker took a moment out of her busy day to note, in front of several other co-workers: "Your stomach is really big!"

I smiled and said, "That may be true, but it's tacky to point it out."

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

*snrrrk*

You could've also said, "I'm renting it out--we need the money for when the baby comes. Got a family of five in there right now!"

Or

"Um, that's what HAPPENS when one is pregnant, airhead. Where do you think babies come from? No, no, I don't want to know. La, la, la, I can't hear you!"

[fastfwd.livejournal.com]

Back when I was wearing hair extensions, I used to get this one all the time: "Is your hair real?"

My answer: "Yes, you're not imagining it."

Or the variation: "Is that really yours?"

My answer: "Well, I didn't steal it!"

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Steve Allen wore a toupee* for years. His standard answer to "Is that your hair?" was to pat the top of his head and say, "In six more payments, it will be!"

*grin*

*No, really! *grin* I miss Steverino. He was funny/smart. Everyone's stooopid now. Well, except us. *GRIN*

[fastfwd.livejournal.com]

I miss Steve Allen, too. I have his book Dumbth.

Lucille Ball also had a good hair comeback. On one of the old shows, she was babysitting a bratty little boy. The boy looked at her hair and said, "Is that real red?"

Lucy: "That's what it said on the bottle."

[mallory-blog.livejournal.com]

My mother:

"You look like you've lost weight..."

Me:

"OMG more ice cream..."

To which she looks confused, then she thinks about ice cream and we go for ice cream. (I am not thin)

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

I miss Baskin-Robbins Fudge Brownie. Yeah, I know, can't have 'cause of diabetes, but they don't make it any more anyhow, they tell me.

[fastfwd.livejournal.com]

Aw. Jeez, what's their damage?

[ladyjaguar.livejournal.com]

"Thank you so much for having the courage to REVEAL SO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF with that comment."

You're right. No matter what the insensitive, thoughtless, and rude comment, that comeback is the definite winner.

I'll have to remember that one. Though people don't snipe at me much -- they've learned better through painful experience. Heeheehee!

My friends have awarded me an Intimidation Factor of +15!

[abbie-normal.livejournal.com]

my standard comeback has always been, "i may be fat, but i can diet. you are just plain rude. ignorance can be cured. stupid is forever."