HOOKS: Just a worm, dear, not a hunk of fool's gold

[shalanna]

Our online writing class continues discussing hooks and getting readers' attention. I got scolded for having Too Vanilla a description of my main man (Our Hero) in the very opening of the book. Because _In the Pundit's Corner_ is in essence a romance (a romantic suspense/screwball comedy), I need to show readers how the hero and heroine react to one another right away, and part of that is choosing the details that they notice about one another. Since I am convinced that you have to sprinkle the descriptions through the dialogue instead of having one large block, I didn't have much about the hero's appearance at first. She said that our work needs to stand out, and that means in EVERY way. I didn't want things to get too florid.

I posted to the classboard:
"I don't have many visuals in the early part of the scene. I assumed, as Don Maass says in his book, that readers will default to 'parking lot of a large corporation around 8 AM.' The description of Our Dashing Hero as merely "a tall, thin blond man" seems pretty generic, but I didn't want to get into it too much so early. And you don't want to say, "Here came a two-headed purple people eater disguised as a Crusader!" because then you have TOO MUCH and it takes you down the "he's so weird-looking" road. He isn't going to be a Pretty Boy, but he's interesting-looking."

She pointed out:
"There's a lot of room between generic and a two-headed
monster. Tall, thin, blond is so vague as to be almost invisible - how tall is tall? how blond? If a reader creates one image here, that's going to stick with them even if you try to change it in a few pages. It looks as if you are not pushing for fresh writing or to stand out as a writer--but you shouldn't want to write just another romance or another mystery, with the same old descriptions, the same-old, same-old."

So I went more florid. (I also decided that he was a redhead instead of a blond. The "other" love interest guy is a sandy blond. Also, I keep visualizing him as a young Spencer Tracy. That means redhead. Our Heroine is a redhead, but her hair is dark auburn. It is said that two redheads won't get along because of the fiery tempers, but I think it's an interesting mix.) Someone a few weeks ago (in one of those "agent blog does a mini-crit of your first line" things) said that "flailing" is too much here, but I figured this class would approve of it. *grin*

The draft went from:
. . .
"Help!" shouted Kay Fisher, flailing her arms from the muddy puddle she'd landed in at the curb. "I think I've broken my ankle."

The parking lot of Dallas Cable News Network was full of responsible types arriving to work right on time, so several passersby rushed towards Kay. A tall, skinny blond man was the first to reach her. As the others saw him taking charge, they detoured around, and she found herself looking him full in the face. An interesting face. He offered his arm, a little awkwardly.

"Are you all right?" Then he apparently realized what she'd said, and amended with, "I mean, other than the ankle."
. . .
To:
. . .
"Help!" she shouted, flailing her arms from the muddy puddle at the curb where she'd landed. "I think I've broken my ankle."

The parking lot of Dallas Cable News Network was full of responsible types arriving to work right on time, so several passersby rushed towards Kay. A slim, rangy man in a plaid sportcoat was the first to reach her. As the others saw him taking charge, they detoured around, and she found herself looking him full in the face. An interesting face.

The face of a young leprechaun. Lucy-orange hair in that boy-next-door-who-just-leaped-out-of-bed style. And freckles. Only a few scattered across his nose and cheeks, but still, they lent him a Dennis the Menace appeal. But the little-boy image faded when he spoke in a resonant tenor.

"Are you all right?" He offered his arm, a little awkwardly. Then he apparently realized what she'd said, and amended with, "I mean, other than the ankle."
. . .
It's a little much, but maybe that's better than too vanilla. Did you get that "Lucy" is Lucille Ball, or should I say "Lucille Ball" or "Carrot Top" instead? Is it indeed too florid, as I fear? Who knows. Nobody knows anything.

A few of the hooks people have posted as first lines have been too much, IMHO. I just had to pass along this first line for a mystery that somebody came up with. They're coming up with the wildest first lines because the teacher wants to see definite "hooks." Many of the first lines that have been posted have been so long and detailed that they'd get you rejected at first glance, though.

But this one struck me funny.

Detective Terry Hamilton's eyes were wide as he looked at what, or rather whom, stood past the barrel of the Beretta that was mere inches from his forehead.

[I got the feeling this was going to be a crime novel with wit, like a Donald E. Westlake Dortmunder tome. I can imagine the gun-wielding . . .six-year-old . . . or guy in a gorilla suit. Perhaps I am putting completely the wrong interpretation on this, but anyhow I enjoyed it.]

Here are some other meritorious-but-long examples:

Sailing with my brother Trent on a crisp April morning was scary enough, but when Pammy, the coolest girl at Winifred High, jumped in our boat, I got so rattled that before I could even shout, "Nice to meet you," the tiller slipped out of my hand, the boat tipped over, and everyone on board plunged into the Minnesota-cold waters of Lake Winnie.

George Engle hyperventilated through his nose, which sounded like Ian Anderson's flute in Jethro Tull's "Locomotive Breath," and wondered if this would be the last moment of his life: with a latex-gloved
hand clamped over his mouth, a gun in his ear and a law-school acceptance letter in his pocket.

[Maybe we should be entering the Bulwer-Lytton opening line contest!]

Joe gazed absently out over the barren landscape of bombed-out buildings from the creaking balcony of the hotel, thinking how over the past year his world had shattered, and shards of grief had slashed hope into microscopic slivers, leaving only a vague hunger for vengeance that was even now threatening his Hippocratic Oath.

[Shards of grief? Slivers of hope?? I've heard of slivers of Long Johns, but. . . .]

Anyhow . . . some of the opening lines are very creative. What I'm thinking, though, is that it's going to be tough for these authors to work all those elements into a coherent story to follow. We're about to work on the "end of page one" and "end of chapter one" hooks, so I'll probably get spanked again. Maybe my end-ch-1 hook isn't too bad, though.

Comments

[pameladean]

I'm sorry, but these just sound like failed attempts at the Bulwer-Lytton contest.

Not yours. The rest of them.

P.

[pameladean]

I liked yours, but you know, I'm your age and I didn't get the Lucy reference, because we didn't have color TV when I was watching that show, and I didn't like it enough to watch reruns years later.

P.

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Ah! Noted. Thank you.

(There must be other infamous redheads)

(You'd think Spencer Tracy would come to mind, but he did so many movies in B&W, and he went white-haired for most of his later roles)

[pameladean]

Katherine Hepburn?

P.

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

(She's the model for Our Heroine, Kay. This book is the new version of a Tracy-Hepburn movie, with a suspense plot as the gearwheel thing to bring them together and keep them going.)

*grin*

I decided on "dreamsicle-toned hair." Even though that might be a little twee. . . .

[pameladean]

Well, no wonder she came to my mind, then.

Even I know that dreamsicles are orange, so that should work all right.

P.

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

*snicker* That's what I kept thinking. But I didn't say that, because they are all so earnest, and I can tell it wouldn't come across right. [This instructor is SO ENTHUSIASTIC and has published ROMANCE AND "HOT" ROMANCE NOVELS and is REALLY EXCITED about us making our work STAND OUT!!! Eep.]

Can't deny that I enjoyed reading those nutty entries. I especially love the Jethro Tull one. But seriously, I think it would get passed around the room when the slush-reading committee meets. People might get hysterical and have to be doused with seltzer water. (grin) Have to Google the entry deadline for the Bulwer-Lytton contest.

[pameladean]

Oh, I wouldn't say so to their little faces, either. It's not even a bad exercise, really; I'm sure it builds flexibility. But I think a far more ironic context would improve its effects a lot.

P.

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

I did love the Jethro Tull reference... but I cannot imagine the writer sustaining that level of madcap nonsense--if in fact that was what was intended!

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Madcap nonsense! That's exactly what I wished the book could be. A Dave Barry/Robert Benchley thing. Alas, she went right into describing a James Cagney-style thug and seedy motel. I guess this one has to go to the Bulwer-Lytton contest after all.

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

Too bad it's not really entered, it would probably win!

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

You know, I think I preferred your first opening. I agree totally with Pamela about the Lucy reference. Also I never liked Lucille Ball much anyway, so I feel that it's the wrong connotation to give your hero. Ditto "face of a young leprechaun". Also for some reason I can't get "slim" and "rangy" to sit easily together. "Slim" to me (perhaps idiosyncratically?) has connotations of petiteness. "Lean, rangy man" perhaps?

I have read very little chicklit and zero romance, but surely the hero doesn't have to be in the first sentence? This man could just as easily be the Unsuitable Love Interest, couldn't he? Also I might have POV quibbles with the extra detail in that if I were lying in a puddle with a broken ankle, I don't think I'd be noting every detail of my rescuer's appearance.

Finally, in an earlier version of the opening, I'm sure we saw her fall. To me it seems awkward starting with her on her back in a puddle. I feel I'd like to have at least one sentence establishing her before we see her in trouble.

But then I'm not an editor, nor have I sold more than a few short stories, so what do I know?

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and don't worry! You know what a reader knows . . .which is really more useful. Editors come and go, and only influence your work for a short time, but readers are forever!

I liked my earlier version best, too, but the class seems so excited about purpling up their openings. It *does* make the opening a bit more like a category romance, although it really isn't meant as one. I know that in that painful situation I would only "flash" on the face of the rescuer to make sure he wasn't Darth Vader, but apparently the romantic comedy reader is thought to want an early description of the visuals. I often hear that the more visuals, the better. Don't know what's really true.

What about a pixie? Is that less elderly and wizened than a leprechaun? That's supposed to be just her instant first take on the face that looms over her. To show he isn't the average romantic hero who's all beautiful and such. But he is wiry/muscular under that impression of "thinness" or he couldn't lift her and carry her--thinking Chuck Norris. (You know, the one who's gonna get his mouth washed out with soap by John McCain's 95-yr-old mom. *grin*)

Whit LOOKS lean and rangy, but is stronger than he looks. Maybe I'll say Chuck Norris instead of John Wayne. Then people could quit complaining about my dead actors, er, Cultural Icons being out of date. *grin* John Wayne was strong as an ox, though. And he's still one of MY heroes despite it all (yes, I know he was a Republican even! aaaaack)

My mother doesn't like Lucille Ball any more, either. She used to love those old shows, but since she read some biographies that said Lucy was mean and bossy to Vivian Vance, she has turned against her. . . .

For the class, I kind of skipped the very beginning, as they totally disapprove of "literary pretensions openings" such as this book actually has. It starts out with the line, "All the Underwoods have guardian angels," talks about how some people have been rescued by them but never have seen them, and how Kay's had just rescued her from the truck, and then it goes from there into Kay falling into the puddle. That's probably what you remember. It's still there, but I put it into cloaking device mode for that class. Didn't want to argue with them. *sheepish look*

I always appreciate anyone's taking the time to read my work and putting forth the effort to formulate a response! It's always useful. So don't worry about what we know. Nobody knows anything. (Editors admit that, too. In public!)

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

To me, I hear "Lucy" and I think "Van Pelt," so I agree the "Lucy-red" hair might take a reader a moment. And I have never liked the "flailing her arms from the muddy puddle" part--to me it reads awkwardly--but I seem to be alone in that so that's just me. I do like the way the hero appears, all heroic, and immediately says something stupid. It makes me expect the rest of the story to be original as well.

And all the other opening lines you've posted do indeed sound Bulwer-Lyttonish. I understand about crafting opening lines that draw a reader in. I don't think that includes distracting the reader with inappropriate laughter.

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Would it be less awkward if I went from:
["Help!" she shouted, flailing her arms from the muddy puddle at the curb where she'd landed. "I think I've broken my ankle."]
to:
["Help!" Kay flailed her arms from a mud puddle at the curb. "I think I've broken my ankle."]
?

That gets rid of the -ing, which makes agents happy. (Grin) But it doesn't explain that she landed in the puddle. Believe it or not, several contest judges (over the year in which I've been subbing this to various romance contests for unpublished manuscripts, in hopes I could get a reading from an editor) complained about an early version and said, "How did she get into the puddle?" So I added the extra verbiage.

What do you think?

You're not the only one who thinks that bit is awkward. It *is*, but it was the best way I could come up with to convey the info in a condensed way, in a "flash" of a visual, so we could get to the Cute Meet. Sometimes I change something around several times and end up with the original version because everything I tried sounded just as wonky or not idiomatic or just unclear. . . .

Get to work on that musician mystery so you can write the horse story! I think it sounds promising, too. And don't forget the bit about their being lost (give them a Mapquest map and it's pretty much guaranteed!)

Thanks for thinkin' about this in so much depth, BTW. I know everyone is bored to tears (cliche alert) with all this stuff.

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I changed that to "Dreamsicle-toned hair" because I figured everyone has eaten a Dreamsicle. Couldn't figure out any Cultural Icons with red hair. Plus, that's not quite as bottle-red a color. *grin*

What about the "face of a leprechaun"? I meant that as just her instant first take when his face loomed over her . . .but some people think it conjures up a wizened wrinkly guy, unromantic. How about a pixie? Not to be too offensive about it but . . . pixie too gay? (As Nathan Lane says in "The Birdcage")

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Did I just reply to MYSELF?? *revolvertemple*

Or does everyone upthread get that comment e-mailed? I never have figured that out.

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

Dang it, I just crafted a thoughtful reply and LJ ate it! I gotta go but I'll try it again tomorrow, maybe it'll even make sense.

[rene-writer.livejournal.com]

One of my gripes about many books (and believe me, I have lists that could go on for pages, so I'm sure that not all people are as picky as me) is that the heroine always does something stupid in front of the hero- something that doesn't happen all that often in real life. For example, she meets a guy she really likes and five minutes later she spills food all over her top. She had to pin her dress up because she couldn't get it alterd for a big party and then she goes to greet Sir Hunk of the Year and all the pins come out of her dress and suddenly she's standing half naked in front of the entire crowd. Etc., etc.

However, I have to say that having Kay's meeting with him a direct result of the accident is actually a fresh approach and I like it. I also love how he is not all that great looking. Just please, please, please (and I know deep down your more clever than this and I really don't need to beg) don't make her realize 3/4 of the way through that he's actually the best looking man on the entire planet.

I don't mean to sound condescending or anything because you're a much better writer than I'll ever be.

P.S. - I think you're off to a good start.

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Don't worry . . . a guy who starts out a leprechaun doesn't morph into one of the Baldwin guys. But she will see his inner beauty and strength, and that will change her perception of him a bit. She isn't put off by the leprechaun bit . . .maybe I will make that "pixie" instead, because leprechauns (I am told) are wrinkly like prunes. (grin)

I have trouble doing the romance paradigm. Had to go a bit more gushy and florid than I generally do in the mysteries (somewhat darker) and in the fantasy. But it's a story that is fun to tell.

Thanks for responding! I always appreciate any kind of reaction or feedback. I realize it takes time and effort for you to respond, and wanted to let you know I appreciate it.

Hope-hope-hope that this is a beginning that some professional will like!

That hero's hair color

[(Anonymous)]

Hi. Passing by, via someone's flist. I'm a bit tardy I suppose, and don't know where your hero's hair color situation stands, but since you asked and because I find it funny, I want to share that when first I read "...young leprechaun. Lucy-orange hair...." I mis-read it as "Lucky-orange hair," and pictured Lucky the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms breakfast cereal (but the version from the 70s and 80s, 'cause I'm of that era, not the psychotic-looking terror-elf leering madly out over the supermarket aisle these days).

Ta,

Michael

Re: That hero's hair color

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Thank you! That's helpful to know. Maybe I should've gone with that Lucky the Leprechaun image . . . except it could be too wacky for the romance-reading women who'll be picking up the book if I can sell it as a romantic comedy with elements of suspense. *Grin* I'm also of the old era when those dried marshmallow charms were the only reason to get the cereal and when the leprechaun wasn't scary-looking but merely reminded me of Uncle O'Malley, the pipe-chewing village drunk in our ancestry. Lucky-orange . . . cool, actually. We should use that!

Feel free to friend me and hang around! In fact, I hope you do. I can always use more friends to argue with. *GRIN*

Re: That hero's hair color

[(Anonymous)]

I had another thought a little while ago... what era is Kay from? And how does her mind work?

In the way that Lucky the Leprechaun (circa 70s-80s!) is the cultural icon that my mind flashed to, is there anyone Kay thinks of when she sees Hero that is specific enough to accomplish the dual task of giving the reader an image of him and a window into Kay's mind (the better to relate to her)?

Thanks for the invite to friend you. Right now, I don't have a LJ account, but your offer gives me one more reason to reconsider.

Re: That hero's hair color

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

Kay is in her very early thirties. That means she's a bit younger than I am, but she's like my cousin, so I can run stuff by Jen when I need to know what Those Young'uns know about. (Alas, not much, in some ways.) She is a fan of films made before 1980 and books written in the Golden Age of crime fiction, though I haven't come up with a way to work that in yet. So . . . I could use a celebrity here. *But* I have some reservations.

While I often relate well to characters who are described as being "a young Johnny Depp" or "he straddles the cusp between 'ruggedly handsome, if no spring chicken' and 'he's no Paul Newman," some readers object. I have two problems when I do this . . . according to beta readers.

One: A critter said, "The references to people other than the characters disturb the flow of the story. Instead of developing your characters on their own merit, you gave a picture of someone else to describe them, so the reader immediately imagines the celebrity you compared them to, goes to the baggage they have with the celebrity (or if it's unknown to them, that's worse), and turns their attention away from the story." I don't necessarily agree that ALL readers do this--just the STOOPID ones **GRIN**--but it was a point to think about.

Two: I try to use Cultural Icons rather than flash-in-the-pan celebrities in order that my work can live on and still be understood by future generations and for posterity, for example next year (when "Crazy Hausfraus" will be forgotten and the new Flavor of the Month will be in style). But this means that lots of young upstarts tell me they do not KNOW what John Wayne looks like (I kid you not) or that they don't wanna hear about Dead Celebrities. You'd think that Lucille Ball would be an Icon, what with her shows never having been off the air for even a day, but no. As we saw in my example, kind of. I tried to stick to people like Jessica Simpson (with whom we used to go to church right here in Richardson, Texas, for a brief moment) and Britney "Nutcase" Spears, but I just couldn't keep my gorge down (they just don't replace Audrey/Katharine Hepburn.)

Try doing a literary allusion. Ouch! People have NO idea what you are prattling on about! Including certain agents who marked "???" next to my allusion to "They also serve who only sit and vegetate." (Points to you if you know what I was alluding to. More points if you thought it was a funny twist.)

Anyhow . . . wonder who is well enough known that these problems wouldn't come up?

An LJ account is free, BTW. You don't have to do any entries. I know people who simply log on and read their friends lists without ever posting (right, DENNIS?) Then you just go steal a few icons (grin) and you're set. If you join, let us know! Stick around. Film at 10.

Re: That hero's hair color

[(Anonymous)]

Completely grok the danger point about your character's getting supplanted by the celebrity; seems similar to the experience of Watching the Actor from movie to movie rather than the character in each film. (That's a point I was thinking of independently of your entry. On Friday, TBS aired Groundhog Day, and afterwards I thought to myself-- yet again-- as much as I enjoy watching Bill Murray do his thing, Who Were Those People [in the story] And Why Should I Care? I mean, it's a Bill Murray Movie, Co-Starring Andie McDowell, but who are the characters, and why is it So Important they get together? Besides Because That's The Plot, I mean. But I digress.)

And as for Lucy, when I read through the comments and realized you hadn't drawn from the General Mills well... well, my mental image of Lucille Ball is black & white, from I Love Lucy reruns. Sure, I've seen The Lucy Show and, uh, that third series too, but I've seen hardly any of her movies, and I picture her along with Ricky & Fred & Ethel (and Tennessee Ernie Ford, and William Holden, and even John Wayne; see what I did there?) before I remember her from any other context.

A redhead I can call to mind who is in living color is Richie Cunningham. But there we are in the 70s again. And toting baggage.

"It's tough, runnin' writin' things."

And yeah, my dad quoted, "They also serve, who stand and watch," at me only a few weeks ago. Sit and vegitate is clever; what was the setup?

Re: That hero's hair color

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

First, for those who may not have taken AP English and so forth: The original line, from Milton's "Sonnet On His Blindness" (probably from cataracts--a thirty-minute fix nowadays, but then impossible to fix, alas)

"They also serve who only stand and wait."

From my first attempted romantic comedy novel

Setup: (aunt to nephew who's staying with her)
"Turn off that TV. What have you done today?"
"They also serve who only sit and vegetate." (shows the kid is a step ahead of her and isn't a couch potato but a classicist/literature nerd)

Almost scans, kind of rhymes . . . my university class thought it was clever. The agents didn't. I set this book aside and wrote others, but I've always thought this book (possibly it's juvenilia by now) has some GRAND lines.

I see the celebrity thing in so many published novels that I can't believe it is that big a problem . . . but maybe that's a lazy shorthand being used by writers who are already established and don't have to worry about breaking through, huh? Could be. Oh, and when I watch Gregory Peck in films, I am definitely Watching the Actor--he's always Atticus Finch to me, even in "Roman Holiday," to some extent. And John Wayne and especially Gary Cooper always played themselves, I think. (Gary Cooper in "The Fountainhead": moral guy who is not like the others. Gary Cooper in "High Noon": yeah.) *grin* Chuck Norris, too.

I loved "Groundhog Day," although I felt it got away with an extended 5-act story structure (which novelists, if you believe the hype, don't have the luxury of doing), but I don't believe it would have worked nearly as well without the Bill Murray schtick, you're right. He comes with the expectation of the cynical, sticking-out-tongue kind of guy . . . it fits so well with this part. Screenwriters have it so easy--the actors put in all the character business for you, and you're past the "make him likable" stage almost immediately with most actors as soon as they step on the stage/before the camera!

Richie Cunningham! What a perfect image! The face looming before you is not Cary Grant or Rock Hudson or even Chuck Norris . . . it's Richie (pre-balding!) But that really shatters my illusion of a possible romance (GRIN), as I think Ron Howard got really homely as he grew up. (Sorry, kids. I don't claim to be any great beauty by current standards myself, if it's any consolation. And the guy is super-wealthy and famous . . . that makes up for a lot.) I may steal that for a later book!

I believe those old "I Love Lucy" episodes are iconic in our culture. I adore the Cousin Ernie sequence!! I still quote, "I can sleep hangin' on a nail" and "Air ya a-vampin' me?" and so forth. The show made sure you knew that Lucy dyed her hair red, though, by referring to it in many ways over the course of the show; when the grocery money VS beauty shop visit conflict arose, she'd say, "I've got a choice: be a thin redhead or a fat brunette." *But* it isn't iconic for this generation, so it's a good thing that you, coneycat, and Pamela were here to point this out for me!

Tote that baggage! Move that grail! Only 500 shopping years left until . . . wonderfulness.

Re: That hero's hair color

[(Anonymous)]

Whoops. I meant to sign my name again. So:

Michael

Re: That hero's hair color

[shalanna.livejournal.com]

I just had a thought. Maybe it says something about the way my character Kay's mind works that she "saw" a leprechaun in the guy's face. (GRIN) And maybe that is not a good thing to say about a character, but if it's true. . . .