CRITIQUES: Ouch, but necessary
Mar. 30th, 2008 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shalannaI must love playing "Kick Me."
However, if one gets no feedback at all, one cannot improve. That's what I say when I get constructive criticism *sob* *WAIL*. Anyway, is there anyone out there who'd like to take a look at my entry in this year's Robert Benchley Essay Contest? I've already sent it in, but there's no harm in getting suggestions.
If you've never read Benchley, Dave Barry, James Thurber, or even Erma Bombeck, this whimsical "dotty person nattering" style may not be your cuppa. But if you HAVE read and enjoyed these authors, I'd love to hear what you think of this. Oh, and the final judge is Bob Newhart, which sort of explains the last couple of paragraphs.
HOW TO START YOUR OWN BAND
A goodly number of people (most of whom have no idea what "goodly" means) are thinking of starting garage bands, although they've never had a garage or even a garage sale. Studies show that independent thinking can be hazardous to your mental health, so I'd like to offer some free advice that's worth about what you're paying.
If you're forming a band to express your inner self, purge childhood angst, and experience free booze and wild groupies as you hit the major arenas, you're probably out of luck. First off, select your genre wisely. Starting a polka band limits your tour dates. And about instruments--yes, Tchaikovsky wrote a note for a cannon in his "1812 Overture," but he was Russian and they were too poor to afford violins. Stick to popular instruments such as bongos, kazoos, and ten-dollar electronic keyboards.
Your band's name is the first concern to address (be sure to affix proper postage.) "Numinous Armageddon" and "Mandible Temperament" are great, but they're taken. Try fancy scientific terms such as "Planck's Constant," "The Fibonacci Sequence," or "Occam's Razor." If you're stuck, pick up the nearest book, turn to page 27, and out of the third paragraph copy words 2, 5, and 7. That's how "Bowling for Soup" was named.
Make sure at least one of your bandmates can actually play. If the drummer isn't tight (or at least slightly fried), the heartbeat of the band will have arrhythmia. He and the bass player should work together, as they are your rhythm section. This has nothing to do with the old Rhythm Method that good Catholic women used to use to get pregnant.
Have at least twelve songs, only one of which should be your old high school fight song. Base your big hit, "Most Annoying Song Ever," on an old Welsh funeral hymn. Most bands break up over really important artistic issues such as disputes over which Queen album is coolest, so minimize such friction by spraying bandmates with nonstick cooking spray.
Time for your first gig! Show the club how you can rake in those cover charges: recruit your sister's sorority, your parents' AARP chapter, or a local homeschool group that needs a field trip. Your first question should be where the bathrooms are--and may I state the doors at the DewDropInn aren't well-labeled; their "pointer" and "setter" looked like a Golden retriever and a Pomeranian. I ended up surprising a little gray-headed man rather badly, I'm afraid . . . but his shoes didn't look that expensive, so whatever.
The most important aspect of this is whether you believe stardom is your destiny. The first thing I do whenever I'm thinking of trying something new is ask myself, "What would Bob Newhart do?" Then I do exactly the opposite. (Heh-heh. Little joke there.) Since most famous comedians have already abandoned their failed polka bands, I recommend you forget the whole thing and stick to watching MTV.
**the end**
I've already had some good feedback from Dennis. But my mother and husband both just shrugged and said, basically, "I don't get it." (They always have to be forced to read my work at seltzer-bottle-point, and are never enthusiastic about what they see, so that's kind of what I expected.) They suggested I write about something FUNNY. Since they couldn't think of anything, I decided to stick with this. It can't be as bad as all that . . . maybe.
Read the 2007 winning entries and the 2006 winning entries at the Robert Benchley Society's website.
However, if one gets no feedback at all, one cannot improve. That's what I say when I get constructive criticism *sob* *WAIL*. Anyway, is there anyone out there who'd like to take a look at my entry in this year's Robert Benchley Essay Contest? I've already sent it in, but there's no harm in getting suggestions.
If you've never read Benchley, Dave Barry, James Thurber, or even Erma Bombeck, this whimsical "dotty person nattering" style may not be your cuppa. But if you HAVE read and enjoyed these authors, I'd love to hear what you think of this. Oh, and the final judge is Bob Newhart, which sort of explains the last couple of paragraphs.
HOW TO START YOUR OWN BAND
A goodly number of people (most of whom have no idea what "goodly" means) are thinking of starting garage bands, although they've never had a garage or even a garage sale. Studies show that independent thinking can be hazardous to your mental health, so I'd like to offer some free advice that's worth about what you're paying.
If you're forming a band to express your inner self, purge childhood angst, and experience free booze and wild groupies as you hit the major arenas, you're probably out of luck. First off, select your genre wisely. Starting a polka band limits your tour dates. And about instruments--yes, Tchaikovsky wrote a note for a cannon in his "1812 Overture," but he was Russian and they were too poor to afford violins. Stick to popular instruments such as bongos, kazoos, and ten-dollar electronic keyboards.
Your band's name is the first concern to address (be sure to affix proper postage.) "Numinous Armageddon" and "Mandible Temperament" are great, but they're taken. Try fancy scientific terms such as "Planck's Constant," "The Fibonacci Sequence," or "Occam's Razor." If you're stuck, pick up the nearest book, turn to page 27, and out of the third paragraph copy words 2, 5, and 7. That's how "Bowling for Soup" was named.
Make sure at least one of your bandmates can actually play. If the drummer isn't tight (or at least slightly fried), the heartbeat of the band will have arrhythmia. He and the bass player should work together, as they are your rhythm section. This has nothing to do with the old Rhythm Method that good Catholic women used to use to get pregnant.
Have at least twelve songs, only one of which should be your old high school fight song. Base your big hit, "Most Annoying Song Ever," on an old Welsh funeral hymn. Most bands break up over really important artistic issues such as disputes over which Queen album is coolest, so minimize such friction by spraying bandmates with nonstick cooking spray.
Time for your first gig! Show the club how you can rake in those cover charges: recruit your sister's sorority, your parents' AARP chapter, or a local homeschool group that needs a field trip. Your first question should be where the bathrooms are--and may I state the doors at the DewDropInn aren't well-labeled; their "pointer" and "setter" looked like a Golden retriever and a Pomeranian. I ended up surprising a little gray-headed man rather badly, I'm afraid . . . but his shoes didn't look that expensive, so whatever.
The most important aspect of this is whether you believe stardom is your destiny. The first thing I do whenever I'm thinking of trying something new is ask myself, "What would Bob Newhart do?" Then I do exactly the opposite. (Heh-heh. Little joke there.) Since most famous comedians have already abandoned their failed polka bands, I recommend you forget the whole thing and stick to watching MTV.
**the end**
I've already had some good feedback from Dennis. But my mother and husband both just shrugged and said, basically, "I don't get it." (They always have to be forced to read my work at seltzer-bottle-point, and are never enthusiastic about what they see, so that's kind of what I expected.) They suggested I write about something FUNNY. Since they couldn't think of anything, I decided to stick with this. It can't be as bad as all that . . . maybe.
Read the 2007 winning entries and the 2006 winning entries at the Robert Benchley Society's website.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 08:26 pm (UTC)Something like "Your band name is the first concern to address (be sure to affix proper postage.)" is altogether too much. I'd get rid of the postage thing. Don't assume your readership needs to be bludgeoned with add-ons.
Another place where's there's altogether too much, and it gets irritating:
"If the drummer isn't tight (or at least slightly fried), the heartbeat of the band will have arrhythmia. He and the bass player should work together, as they are your rhythm section. This has nothing to do with the old Rhythm Method that good Catholic women used to use to get pregnant."
One of these things has nothing to do with the other, and the audience is capable of coming up with those connections in their own minds.
So: solid at the base, but lose some of the cutesy add-ons and trappings. They're not only not necessary, they get actively distracting, and not in a good way.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 08:45 pm (UTC)I definitely hear you. I wouldn't do those kinds of additions normally. It's a bit scary to admit that I was going for that kind of tone . . . an outdated sort of Benchley sound.
The winners will be selected on the basis of whether the judge(s) think the essay could've been written by Benchley. Benchley did those parentheticals and cutesy bits all the time . . . and the winners from 2007 and 2006 take that tone, I think. *However*, I'll look at those particular lines again and reconsider whether they aren't TOO fey and twee. (Benchley could be a bit fey and twee, too. As a junior high kid, I laughed out loud at most of the essays I read of his--found 'em in the library in various collections. Now when I reread them, I don't laugh aloud . . . and sometimes I just roll my eyes.) It's a tough call when you're trying to write like Benchley. Definitely not the post-postmodern mind at all.
You're right, though . . . the effect of a lot of that stuff is that of a "Saturday Night Live" skit that just goes on and ON and puts in things that make you roll your eyes. Whether that's the tone that wins this particular competition . . . I'm not quite sure. I definitely wouldn't want to try it in something I was sending out today as a submission to a regular magazine.
Good catch!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 09:11 pm (UTC)What you're doing with your add-ons is trying to win a contest by making yourself sound like someone else. Why? I mean, what's the goal? To have your own voice recognised? Or just winning for the sake of winning?
I never enter contests, so I'm not asking just to ask. I'm honestly curious. What's the end goal, here? Why are you submitting an essay, if not for your own style to be recognised?
no subject
Date: 2008-03-31 10:14 pm (UTC)On the other hand, I could always mention it in query letters if I *did* place (they award first through fourth place). I don't have a heck of a lotta credentials to mention.
Because you're a regular reader, you probably already know how I feel about my voice (style) (whatever it is) being preserved when I edit or polish my work. No wonder you're wondering why I'd want to enter a contest where my voice would not be mine. This is really just a special occasion. I thought I'd give it a shot, and see what I could come up with. Normally I'm very ferocious about not taking out my own personal quirks to insert others' favorite quirks. *grin* I'm especially against making everything sound workshopped--you know, when you get stories that all sound alike, that are beige, that are vanilla in the bad sense of vanilla. Stories that have been made to sound boring by their authors because the authors have taken out anything that critters or workshoppers said bothered them. I put back about half of the novels I pick up to browse these days because they're in that no-style style, and I find it too boring to read. But that's just me.
I think my own voice turns off a lot of editors and agents, but as Harry says in "Pump Up the Volume," so be it. If I want my voice to go on after I'm gone so that I don't disappear, I can't edit things down so that they read as if a computer stuck the words together using one of the approved formulas. So it goes.
Usually when I enter contests, though, it's to get the attention of an editor or agent who is the final judge. Hasn't worked out too well so far, but I've seen it work for others. Poor little pink-cloud me . . . always thinking, "It could happen." SOMEBODY has to win, though.
(Depending on what "win" means!)
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 08:36 pm (UTC)Everyday language for you and I and, those that we associate with is sadly over the heads of the average American (I was appalled at how badly I had to "dumb down" brochures, permits, signing and wayside exhibits when I worked for the Park Service)
The cute "how to start a band" piece isn't necessarily going to appeal to people use "goodly", "angst" or will appreciate a reference to Tchaikovsky.
Anyway, that's a thought (a free one, and as you pointed out; you get what you pay for)
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 08:53 pm (UTC)There's definitely a disconnect between the audience for the piece (people who would start a band) and the audience for a literary essay, you're right. Maybe the contrast will make the piece funnier for a certain mindset of judges . . . for some reason, it did for me. Benchley used to write on crazy subjects. Last year's winner did "How to Write a Book."
I'm thinking that maybe this particular set of judges might be a little more literary (and tuned in to big words and such), because the contest is run by the Robert Benchley Appreciation Society. The previous winners struck a good balance between the ridiculous/absurd and the readable. My test was whether I could "hear" the voice of the top judge, Bob Newhart, reading the line aloud. If I could (even if the tone was incredulous), I kept the line. That may or may not work!
We'll have to see. I'm entering for fun, because it would be such a trip to get comments from Bob Newhart (if you're one of the top four finalists, that's what happens.) Next year, maybe I can come up with a wackier/less wacky topic.
Thanks for the thoughts!!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 08:55 pm (UTC)Listening to Bob Newhart read it?
THAT's funny!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 09:05 pm (UTC)That ought to be the prize, in fact--an MP3 of him reading it aloud. Perhaps I shall suggest that to them!