WRITING: And Now For Something REALLY Important

[shalanna]

The fate of the free world and the destiny of our civilization be hanged. Let us abandon such frivolous discussions. What's REALLY important is . . . that I get the opening sentence of this mystery fixed before I send it out.

I used to start this novel in mid-scene with the two sisters arguing over the best way to paint a wall. But beta readers said they wanted some kind of foreshadowing that there was a murder on the way. That I needed a snappier opening that also indicated a mystery. So I came up with:
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The afternoon I found out the awful truth about Aaron, my sister Zoe and I were dressed to kill.
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But that has two cliches in it right up front. I wanted to turn the cliche about being dressed to kill on its head in the next paragraph, but if a judge read that first line and thought that "the awful truth" and "dressed to kill" were stinky, that might doom the manuscript's chances from the beginning.

So now I'm trying out a new opener.
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Before I met Gil and found Aaron's murderer, I had never imagined how easily I could push a friend over a ledge. Yet my sister Zoe and I already knew how to dress to kill.
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That might be a little better.

On the other hand, that does telegraph that she finds Aaron's murderer. The sleuth is supposed to find the murderer, but should that come into the first sentence? Perhaps it would work just as well if it said:
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Before I met Aaron's murderer, I had never imagined how easy it wouldIbe for me to shove a friend over a cliff. Yet my sister Zoe and I already knew how to dress to kill.
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Which do you like? Or don't you like any of them?

Comments

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

You know, my favourite opening for this story is the second paragraph, the one where they're rolling paint onto the walls when the phone rings. I can see your concern about the beta readers, but you and I are both mystery readers and we know that unless the body is found in the first paragraph, mysteries almost never begin with "had I but known" stuff anymore. It really annoys some experienced mystery readers.

You get us to the dead guy within the first page, and experienced mystery readers known darned well that Aaron didn't die of natural causes. I am a little afraid these openings are a bit too much.

However, with that said I like the first half of this one:

Before I met Aaron's murderer, I had never imagined how easy it wouldIbe for me to shove a friend over a cliff. Yet my sister Zoe and I already knew how to dress to kill.

I would drop the second sentence--your instinct about the "dress to kill" cliche is probably accurate, and besides, it has nothing to do with the rest of your opening. If you could find a deft way of wording something about "the things you learn about yourself" that could make a decent second sentence. But really, I like the squabbling sisters and the phone ringing. If you edited the squabbling slightly it would keep the focus on the phone call and that might be all you need: the mystery is right there immediately, even though Ari doesn't yet realize it's a murder mystery.

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

Can I just totally second what coneycat said? I don't actually read many mysteries, though I love them on TV and the radio and I do feel the painting scene works very well to introduce your protag and her sister.

I mean it's a mystery, we know there'll be a dead body along soon and unless you're doing the grimmer sort of mystery where you haveheadless torso on the beach in the opening paragraph, I don't think you need to foreshadow it more than you already have.

And I really didn't like the "dressed to kill". Sorry. But it seemed like trying too hard.

[goingdriftless.livejournal.com]

Double cliche or not, I like the first one best. Second choice would be the last.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

I don't like any of the openings that indicate that your protag knows what happened and knows who the murderer is. Because if she then doesn't tell me, I feel she's needlessly coy about it - this obviously refers to a past event, so why all this dancing around the topic? Why keep me in suspense?

I also feel that the reference to shoving a friend of a cliff is false tension -that's not what the story is about, or is it? And the dress-to-kill, well, that could be funny, but right now you're not making the most of it.

If I pick up a mystery, I expect to find a mystery plot _fairly soon_. Not in the first sentence - might happen, doesn't need to. I *do* want a little sense that things are not what they seem - but IIRC, your book starts pretty soon with the phonecall telling her that her boyfriend is dead - that's mystery enough for me.

[sosoclever.livejournal.com]

I like the original. I like the "I had never imagined . . . " line, but I think the original opening sounds best. People know they're picking up a murder-mystery. They know someone will be murderered, and that the murderer will be discovered. They don't know your characters, so you need to introduce them.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Neither. I don't like dressed to kill.